My baby Slater

I was almost 20 weeks pregnant when I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate a birthday. It was around 11 pm and I started feeling hot and had cramps, and I kept going to the bathroom. One of the times I went, there was a bunch of blood and I knew something was wrong. I came out and told my friends I need to come home and I couldn't drive fast enough. We called the nurse advice line and they said I need to go straight to the hospital. I have had enough miscarriages to know bleeding is not good. I lost three other babies, 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 14 weeks. This was my seventh pregnancy, I have three children ages 9, 7 and 2. We got pregnant from IVF, because I had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, and also staying pregnant. In the ER, they did an ultrasound but wouldn't let me see anything. Just lots of silence and no news. There was a regular ER doctor and no OBGYN. After about 5 hours they said that I had a large hematoma, or blood clot, that was next to the baby and there was lots of blood in my uterus. They said they didn't know much more than that and I needed to call my doctor the next morning and sent me home. The next day I started to call my doctor and nobody seemed to think there was anything to do or be worries about. They said stay home, bleeding was normal for this condition. That was it. I called my doctor felt this was a very serious condition and he was quite concerned. He said my hematoma is large, which is the worst kind, and it's right by my placenta and could cause damage. He said bleeding for two weeks is normal, don't do any real activity, but don't just lay in bed, get up and walk around and he scheduled a rush ultrasound. After the ultrasound from my doctor he said he was worried and wanted to refer me to a specialist, so he schedule an appointment with a perinatologist in Portland, an hour from home. I went to the specialist, Dr. Jason, and he sent me for a new ultrasound and the scenographer couldn't really read the fluid levels because they were too low to measure. But she could see the baby was alive. She couldn't find the hematoma, but she couldn't find much of anything. She got pretty frustrated and tried many times before she sent us back to the doctor. Dr. Jason was awesome. He had so much more information than anyone else. He spoke to me for an hour and went over all the conditions, the plan from here forward, what could happen, what may not happen, and gave us a wealth of information. He said he was more optimistic than when they called him two days ago when I was in the hospital. He said the fluid levels were about the same, so that's good. I didn't lose all my fluid, and the baby had enough that he was still alive. He said it's unlikely I will ever have more, but if I could keep this amount, he baby may live. We need to make it to 24 weeks. I can stay home until then, and just take it super easy. Not complete bed rest, but no real walking or doing anything either. I can shower, use the bathroom, get water, change positions, but not go anywhere. So I go in every week for ultrasounds, and try and make it to 24 weeks. My next appointment with him needs to be with Caleb. It will be on October 18, right before I am 24 weeks. At that point, if I make it, I will be hospitalized in Portland until the baby is born. The baby is likely to have many serious health conditions and needs to be in the hospital and NICU immediately for awhile. Back home went for more waiting. A few weeks later, I got a fever of 101. They told me that if I got a fever over 100, I had to go into the hospital immediately. I was at very high risk of infection and my life would be in danger. They took me to labor and delivery. They said I had to deliver the baby. I was at too much risk. I asked how they knew I had an infection, what if I was just sick? I told them my husband had not been feeling well and maybe he just got me sick. They said the would run some tests, they drew lots of blood, and they would call Dr. Jason. They put me in a delivery room, gave me lots of Tylenol and said I would have to deliver in the next day. They got blood work back and my white blood cells were going up. They drew them days before and they were normal, and now they were high. All signs pointed to infection and I wasn't safe. They did another ultrasound and the baby looked the same. He was still alive, really low fluid, and that was about all they could tell me. I could feel this baby moving inside me and I just could not bring myself to deliver him when I knew he had no chance of survival until 24 weeks. The next morning they got ahold of Dr. Jason, and he said to wait, he didn't think I needed to deliver right away. He said to wait for the cultures to come back to confirm infection, and keep watching the white blood cells. A day later, the white blood cells went down, and my fever broke. The next day, they let me go home. Again, with strong warnings about my life, and what signs to look for. But once again, I escaped without delivery, and this baby was a few days older. I would take every day I could get at this point. Every week I go in for ultrasounds and blood work, and so far the results are all over the place. Some weeks my fluid is up to 5 cm, and sometimes it's been as low as 2.9 cm. They want me no lower than 5 cm if possible. But the good news is that his heart looks strong and he continues to grow. At this point I am supposed to be drinking one gallon of water a day, only stand to use the restroom, only shower when necessary, and keep my hips propped up with a pillow if I can stand it. Then, we hit the magical marker, the 24 weeks. We were so excited. We began packing for me to be hospitalized and wait until this baby would come. Every day I could stay pregnant increased his health outcomes. My husband and I went to meet with the doctor and review the treatment plan and the check-in hospital process. We got to the specialist room, Dr. Jason was out but he had his supervisor who was able to see me. Unfortunately, our baby boy was not doing well. Their scenographer did a new ultrasound, and looked back at all the prior films we had done in Salem. They had been reading the reports, but had never previously reviewed the films because of a technology issue. The fluid levels were not high enough to continue the pregnancy at all. The baby was either being crushed now by the weight of everything around him, or he would be slowly. If I waited anymore, he would suffocate or be crushed, so we could not wait any longer to try and improve his health. This was an absolute shock and blow to my husband and I. We sat there and didn’t even speak, we just stared at the doctor so confused. We thought we were going in for good news and a treatment plan, and now we were told again we must deliver. I could still feel the baby moving inside me and we knew he was still alive, but didn’t know how much longer. She told us to go home, and come back the next day to have him. The chances of survival were less than 2% at this point because he had low fluid for so long. So we met with three more specialists to discuss what intervention and treatment we wanted done to our baby boy in order to save him. Were we willing to undergo surgery? How much surgery? Did we want them to cut him open across his chest? Did we want a breathing tube? Did we want CPR? Every question we had to answer and decide what we wanted before we came back for delivery. After we came home, on that long tearful drive home, we had to tell people the news. Most of all, we had to tell our children. Our youngest was too young to understand. But our older two are quite interested and vested in this little boys life. We said many prayers together and talked about him all the time. We sat them down and told that that even though we did everything we could, our little baby was unable to live. Calvin, my seven year old, didn't say a word, he just rolled up on his dad’s lap in a blanket and didn't move. Shelby, my nine year old, had many questions. Why did this happen? Exactly what did the doctor say? She said "I know babies don't need lungs when they are in moms belly because they get oxygen from moms blood. But once he's born he does need lungs." Caleb and I were shocked with how much she knew about this, but she's obsessed with all things related to the human anatomy. She continued to ask many questions, and Caleb and I did the best to answer them. We then turned our attention to Calvin who was in a puddle of tears. He just cried and cried. He was so sad. He really wanted a baby brother. He didn't understand how this could happen. We all sat there and cried together. Calvin wanted to know what would happen if he went to a different heaven than his baby brother and then he wouldn't even see him in heaven. We assured him that families are forever and we will all be reunited some day. We went to the hospital and had our beautiful baby boy at 11:30 pm on October 21st. He was 1 pound and 14" long. He had perfect hands and feet, and a tiny little body. Caleb and I were the only ones in the room for the birth and it was life changing for both of us. Slater, our baby boy, had the umbilical cord around his neck and was breech. He showed no signs of life. He just laid motionless. Caleb and I shared many tears, and we continue to share many tears. We held him for a couple of hours. Played with his little fingers and toes. His body was so tiny and weak, and he was just not meant to be. Since his birth, I have struggled with what to tell friends who haven’t seen me, old co-workers who want to see pictures of my new baby, and why I still look pregnant. My milk came in, my body still looked like I just had a baby, and I had lost all muscle in my body from laying in bed for two months. And now I was so depressed that I couldn’t talk myself out of bed. I had a very hard time eating, sleeping, and most of all, attending any social event. I wanted to hide from everyone. I got dressed many times to leave the house and couldn’t do it. I had social anxiety and couldn’t get rid of it with medication and counseling.