Rainbow Baby

Rainbow Baby I never really know how to start stories like these. I always picture myself in a meeting standing up saying, “Hello, my name is Cherry, and I lost a baby.” And then the rest of the people surrounding me in the circle all repeat, “Hi Cherry,” in unison. I figure that’s usually the best way to start the topic. Like ripping off a bandaid. There is no easy way to say it, or bring it up, so why not say it with a bang? So here goes. Hi, my name is Cherry and in the year 2014 I lost my first baby girl. I was 22 weeks pregnant, and as I sit here writing this I am letting the tears flow. I used to keep them locked up, but it never did any good, so I am choosing to feel it, and let it flow. It’s good healing for my soul. I want to tell people my story, because if it makes even one person feel better than I will have accomplished my goal. Losing a child in any kind of way is never easy, as my own family has felt that type of loss several times. Losing a baby is a little different, but we all have to go through a healing process. I want to start at the very beginning. I want to tell my story from the moment we saw and heard that first little heartbeat to that dreaded last appointment where to this day all I can hear is the doctor saying over and over in my head, “This is not your fault,” in a sort of echoing voice that slowly fades. In December of the year 2013 my husband and I had been married for about 4 years and thought it was time to start our family. We were ready for the next phase of life and marriage and knew this was the step we wanted to take together. So I stopped taking contraceptives and before I knew it, I was 8 weeks pregnant! I honestly did not believe the pregnancy test staring up at me with that positive sign. I had to take two to let it sink in, and even then I didn’t believe it. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor and he let us hear that beautiful beating heart that I finally let myself believe it was real. I never had any trouble getting pregnant, it was as though my body was waiting for my brain to give it the go ahead and BAM! I was pregnant that quick. I had a very easy first trimester, never felt sick once, and every food in the world tasted like it was my first meal in days. Food was amazing, however in six months I only gained nine pounds. I’m not saying any of this to brag, I’m merely saying this, because looking back I thank my Heavenly Father every day for those tender mercies. It was almost as if He were giving me this easy pregnancy, because He knew how hard life was going to get after those six short months. The day finally arrived that we were to find out the gender of our baby! I had an afternoon appointment and it was like waiting for Christmas to come. Time seemed to slow down on purpose just to annoy me. The appointment came and the ultra sound seemed to take forever. I remember my sister in law, who has four kids of her own, texting me saying it was taking forever. I had never had a gender reveal, so I assumed this was normal. I remember the technician getting more quiet by the minute, and eventually all conversation ceased. She took multiple pictures of the brain, and the look on her face was stoic, and a little white. She couldn’t seem to get out of that room fast enough. What seemed like hours had passed by (it was only about 15 minutes) the Radiology doctor came in to tell us we needed to see a specialist. He kept his wording very basic. He mentioned that it was not his expertise to give anymore information other than someone would be in contact with us to schedule an in depth appointment with a doctor located in Portland Oregon. The tech at this point had already told us we were having a girl! Truthfully I don’t think any of that alarmed me immediately. I don’t know if it was shock, or just plain naivete, but I never felt that scared at first. I assumed there was a possibility we may have a baby with special needs, and I was okay with that, although I am sure I never realized the full spectrum of that either. However it was one or two weeks later before we were able to have our appointment with the specialist. The agony of waiting that long was truly torturous. I had plenty of time to think about everything that could go wrong. I was in my head way too much, constantly going over the worst case scenario, as I’m sure many parents in the same boat have been. It was hard not to think the worst, and I have no words of wisdom, or good advice for those that are in the stage of waiting, because no matter what I say anyone’s mind will go there and that’s okay. The best advice I could give is to simply breathe. Try to find distractions. When my doctor gave us the results she found an ocean’s depth of problems with our little girl. Starting from the top her brain was enlarged, her heart had a hole in it, her spine was curved, the list goes on and on, and I’m not using the medical terms, because I can’t remember them. The doctor’s voice was quiet the whole time, she was very focused, but at the same time she did a good job of keeping us comfortable and calm. At the beginning of the appointment the first words she said were, “this had nothing to do with you, none of this is your fault.” From there she launched into the whole list of problems our 20 week old baby had. I didn’t know one little baby could even have that many problems. My heart broke. Right there in that room. I had spent the last 5 months being so happy and relaxed only to feel my heart shatter and I had no idea what to do. I still don’t think everything had sunk in, but I do remember a few tears escaping and my husband looked at me in alarm. I remember thinking neither one of us knows what is going on, but I had a bad feeling. Our doctor then explained that to verify that our little baby had what the tests so far scientifically showed, we needed to do an amniotic test. This meant the doctor would insert a huge long needle into my belly and take a sample of amniotic fluid. From there we had to wait another two days before we got the results back. During this time my sister in law was staying with us. It was supposed to be a fun getaway for her, but it sort of turned into a consoling and much needed distraction for us. As we awaited the results we went to the coast because I couldn’t stand staying indoors any longer. As we reached our destination the doctor gave us a call. Our little 21 week old Charly had what is called Triploidy, and I know WAY too much about this disorder than I ever want to. Triploidy is where the chromosomes in the cells are tripled instead of doubled. There are different kinds, sometimes only some of the chromosomes are tripled, but in every case the baby never survives. In most cases the body will miscarry the baby during the first trimester, but for whatever reason my little Charly held on for 22 weeks. Now, I thought the nightmare was over. We had been told what she had, that she would not survive, and that was it. We could move on. However that was not the whole story. I learned that I still had to go through the birthing process as Charly was far enough along that it was necessary. I would still have to go through labor and delivery of the fetus. I would like to take the time to express my deep appreciation for the staff and hospital that took care of us. I cannot say enough good things about the staff at Kaiser Permanente. Nurse Julie was an angel. She did so much for us. She even took the time to make us a little hat for our little 10 ounce miracle. Yes miracle. I can say that now, because this trial I went through made me a better person. Truly. It was definitely not an experience that I ever want to go through again, but it was pretty spiritual. It took 30 hours for my body to finally get to the point of the birthing process. Longest 30 hours of my life. My heart hurt the whole time, my brain was scared, and all I wanted was for someone else to take my place, but they couldn’t. At the end of that 30 hours I finally gave birth to my first baby girl, Charly Denos. We played around with the idea of giving her a middle name of Rose, but we never got that far in the pregnancy, so I always refer to her as Charly. Just as my pregnancy with her was easy, the birthing process was fairly simple as well. She literally fit in the palm of my hand. I had no idea how to hold her. The hospital had the tiniest little white gown that we placed on her, and of course Nurse Julie’s little hat. The scene was beautiful and breathtaking just as much as it was heartbreaking. My mom was there, my mother-in-law was there, and my sweet, amazing husband held my hand the entire time. It really was a special moment having those people there, but my husband was the true hero through the whole experience. I never would have made it through that without him. He was a rock. He always knew what to do, what to say, and I don’t know how he did it, but he carried me through it, because it wasn’t just during that process that I needed him. The journey had just begun, because for months after that I would need my rock constantly. You may have noticed I titled this story “Rainbow Baby.” Everyone has storms in their life, and sometimes it can get pretty rainy with thunder and lightning. But at the end of that storm, there is always a rainbow. I learned so much, and as time has gone on I continue to grow from this experience. The storm certainly brought a rainbow, I now have a little 3-year-old. She is my rainbow at the end of a very hard, and very rainy thunderstorm.