First Pregnancy Angel Baby

Before we had our two beautiful children, we lost our first pregnancy about 9 years ago. Due to health issues, my Doctor had advised me that it might be tough for my husband and I to get pregnant and sustain a healthy pregnancy. Soon after we got married, we began our journey to start a family. After being on a course of medication, we were elated when we found out we were expecting our first baby! We had our initial ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, and another about a week later since I was having some light spotting- all was great! Baby had a strong heartbeat and was moving around normally. I had an incredible 10 weeks- no morning sickness (no sickness at all!) and really the only symptom I had was feeling extremely tired. Throughout my pregnancy, I'd been having spotting, which I was told by my doctors/midwives was normal. We were living out of state, and while my husband was away for work I had went on vacation to visit family and friends back home. While I was there, I was thrown a sweet little baby shower to celebrate our little one on the way. At the end of the day, I suddenly passed a little more blood than normal- enough to make me slightly concerned. I obviously thought it was all fine because I wasn't having any kind of cramps or feeling sick or anything, but I went to the ER- just in case. When they finally got us in (my amazing mother in law was with me) they did an ultrasound, and wheeled me back to the ER and said to wait for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, and explained that they couldn't find a heartbeat, and baby was measuring almost two weeks behind the size that he/she should have been; we had lost the baby but my body continued to think I was pregnant. I immediately felt like the room was spinning, and my whole body was numb. I will NEVER forget that feeling. Especially since my husband wasn't there- it was devastating. We were able to get through to him by phone and between tears I was able to explain what was going on- then I handed the phone to someone because the words just stopped coming. The Chaplain of the hospital came in and prayed with us. In the midst of all the pain, I felt an enormous amount of calm come over me, and I just felt like God had his hand on my shoulder. I honestly don't remember very much after that. The next memory I have was waking up the next morning and feeling absolutely EMPTY. I felt so empty. The following day I had a D&C scheduled because I had a missed miscarriage and my doctor felt I was a bit too far along to try and wait for a miscarriage or to induce one with medication. The D&C went as planned and before we knew it we had flown back home and began the healing process. The following weeks were so difficult physically, emotionally, mentally. I had posted something about it on social media and received SO many messages from Mother's who had experienced losses, and even some from people who KNEW people who had losses and wanted to share their stories and love. It was overwhelming to know that I wasn't alone and it helped to remind me that THIS PAIN WILL LIFT, and that it happened for a reason that was outside of my own understanding. It seems impossible at the moment, but things DO and WILL get better. When we became pregnant with our daughter later on, that also brought a ton of emotions I wasn't expecting. I had so much anxiety and worry- I just felt like it was too good to be true. My Doctor gave me the best advice- he told me to stay positive for our baby, and to just take it day by day. I made it a point to reflect at the end of each day of my pregnancy to be THANKFUL for "one more day" with our precious baby on the way. The pain of losing a baby is something you don't forget, but the love and memories that come later in life absolutely help to fill that deep ache that just feels unbearable at the time. My advice to women who are experiencing a loss is to allow yourself to feel the pain, give yourself time to grieve- and work through it. Know that you are NOT alone, and that ALL of us who have gone through it are right there with you. You matter, and you are LOVED. Things WILL get better <3