Loss at 20 weeks

After having 4 children for a while I was content and happy. Then that familiar stirring started in my heart. I knew there was another baby for our family. I was so happy when I got pregnant right away. My children were super thrilled to be having a new baby.
I was so sick. The first trimester I am not sure how I survived. I remember getting down an egg and throwing it right up in the sink. I was miserable. I knew it must be a girl since I was so sick and I was right. My son was not happy to be the only boy but my girls were elated. The second trimester brought sweet relief. I was feeling human again and began to feel my sweet girl move. For some reason we just knew what we wanted to name her way before we usually do. Noelle for her first name with the middle name still up for grabs. One morning 2 days before she would be 20 weeks I felt decreased movement. So, I did all the things I knew to do. Drink some juice lay on my side. Monitor her kicking for an hour. I had been feeling her move for about 3 weeks. I wasn’t liking her decreased movement. But as I sat eating lunch with my other kids, I felt a big kick and actually started to cry. My kids all put their hands on my tummy and felt her move. It was such a tender moment I am so grateful for now. However later that day I had a tiny amount of blood when I wiped after using the restroom. I called the Dr. and schedules an appointment for the next day. That morning when we went in they could not find her heartbeat so they took us to the ultrasound room. I knew something was wrong right away. The tech would not talk or look at us. When the Dr. came in he said she was dead and had been for several weeks. I knew this to not be true. I had been feeling her move. He would not listen and scheduled a DNC for the next morning at a surgery center. That day was a blur. I felt numb and unheard but trusted my Dr. The next morning there was quite a commotion at the surgery center. When I arrived, they told me I could not have the surgery there because I was over 12 weeks. I would need to be at the hospital where they were better able to help me. However, my Dr. strolled in and somehow, we were good to go. The next thing I remember is trying to wake up but not being able to. I was coming in and out and catching tiny bits of conversations. I do remember the first thing out of my mouth was, “is she gone? Did they take my baby?” Then after my husband tearfully told me yes and a gut retching sobbed escaped my mouth I was back out. When I came to again I heard snippets of worried nurses saying she lost too much blood. My husband was very worried. The Dr. came in and said all went good I just needed to get up use the restroom and I could go home. It took my husband and 2 nurses to get me to the bathroom and I had whiplash in my neck as a result. When I got back to the bed the nurse stood her ground and an ambulance was ordered. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. The only thing I remember about triage is being wheeled in a bed to an ultrasound tech. She asked me when my DNC was scheduled. I responded that I had just had it. Come to find out. I had lost over half of my blood. And she was still mostly inside me. I was pumped full of blood so I could have a second DNC. Late that night when I had several units of blood administered I went back into surgery. In that surgery I again lost over half of my blood. And things were getting worse. I was in severe pain and not able to stay conscious. After another ultrasound and I believe other tests. It was discovered my sweet baby was still in there and this time the Dr. had cut through my uterus and nicked my intestine and I was bleeding internally. I was in the process of receiving more blood and when that was finished. A different Dr plus a specialist came in. I was told they thought my baby would be mush from decomposing several weeks. Because I was right and she was alive the day before they literally had been pulling my baby out in pieces. My sweet Noelle Hope. They needed to go back in and get the rest of her and make 2 more incisions to take care of the internal bleeding. I was in the hospital 5 days, had 3 surgeries and it still did not compare to the loss if my baby. I had a long recovery ahead of me. I stayed in bed for weeks. I think it was mostly due to my emotional pain. I stopped feeling. Afraid of what I would find when I came out of my zombie state. I actually physically ached to hold my baby girl. I was not able to bury her and that for me was torment. I did not know to demand her remains. I did not know my rights. I could not wrap my head around what happened to my sweet baby. I had a kind Dr explain that if I had had a C-section to birth her I would not have been able to have any other babies. Because I have had to have all C-sections, my uterus would have been ruined. It helped a little bit. I made a memorial box and that helped me tremendously. It has ultrasound pictures of Noelle. Along with an outfit I had already bought for her. A tiny bracelet I had gotten for her. It has a pillow a friend made me with her name cross stitched into it, along with a journal. I wrote in that journal every day for a whole year and it helped me tremendously. I recommend journaling to any going through the loss of a baby. I wrote it as if I was talking to her and it calmed my trouble heart. I now write in it every July 1 the day we lost her. There is not a single day I do not think of my sweet girl. I have since had 2 more boys. And I love them dearly. But I still long for my girl. It was a long journey. A club I did not wish to enter. But I now have so much more compassion for those families who experience loss. I love my daughter as much as my other 6 children and am so grateful to have had her, even for only a short 20 weeks. She taught me and my family so much. In honor of my Noelle Hope Sweetnam I send my love to all those struggling to pull their lives together after losing your precious baby. Whether early or late in pregnancy we all had hopes and dreams for these precious spirits. Time does dull the pain, but they will always be apart of our lives.