Miscarriage #9

It’s a blessing, a privilege and a challenge to share my miscarriage experiences for the purpose of helping other women. I am very overwhelmed and mostly humbled. My name is Renae. I have had 9 losses, but I have 5 living children. These are my recollections of my 9th miscarriage. I plan on writing about the others in the future. This particularly pregnancy (my 14th) and subsequent loss really hit me when I was already struggling. I thought it would be insightful to quote from a journal entry written a month before I became pregnant. It gives a brief idea of the phase of life and state of mind I was in at the time. Journal entry 1 month before this pregnancy: “Not much to say for myself. It has been a hard year for me but I think I am coming along, just very slowly. I feel so far behind and so worn out in all ways. It’s been an exhausting 5 ½ years. I think it is just taking longer to pull myself together and figure out how to find balance in my life. On a more uplifting note and end to this letter…I have had a few very profound experiences over that last few months that have increased my knowledge and testimony of the temple sealing covenant and the very real power it has to connect us to our children and draw them to us. It is wonderful and amazing to see the blessings of these covenants manifest themselves in ways I never would have considered.” I was 41 at the time of my last pregnancy. My youngest child was 5 ½ years old and due to traumatic events at his birth, my life was overwhelming, busy, and stressful. We were not trying to become pregnant and thought we were done having children. I was very shocked as I had taken fertility drugs for nearly all my other pregnancies. My initial feeling was—‘How am I going to manage?’. We had a grown daughter away at college, a daughter in high school, son in middle school, son in grade school, and youngest son going to school in different city each day for special needs. My husband was nurturing and supportive and very quickly we became excited to welcome another child into our family. We knew by experience that there would always be enough love to give. In past pregnancies I had been on fertility drugs to become pregnant and then progesterone injections to support the pregnancy. As I thought and prayed about what to do this time in regard to medication/hormones to support the pregnancy and as my husband and I counseled together we both felt my body was functioning properly and it was not necessary. My doctor agreed and was supportive. This decision ended up being correct. My miscarriage was not due to hormone imbalances, it was “just one of those things” and because of my age, mostly likely a genetic problem with the fetus. My first check-ups went well. Often I would need to lie down after a higher blood pressure reading, but I would be fine after that. All other symptoms were normal though I felt my age much more in general. As with all other pregnancies I felt great peace and comfort with seeing ultra sounds of the heart beat and the little growing jelly bean. During the first months of my pregnancy our oldest daughter became engaged. Again, I wondered how I would manage it all. In previous pregnancies we never told people we were expecting until well into the 2nd trimester and that was true this time as well. Despite a quicker thickening waist line, I felt an increased need to keep our news private and allow our daughter and her exciting news take center stage. I also felt confident that I would not lose this pregnancy as the early weeks came and went. I was excited about how much it would mean to my youngest son especially to have a little sibling to grow up with and love. I felt it would be good for him developmentally too. I had gotten over the awkwardness of what people might think of our “surprise”. It was going to be wonderful to have another little one. The little jelly bean got little arms and legs and I began trying to figure out what I would wear as a 6 month pregnant mother of the bride! This mini adventure became an odd bright spot—did you now there is nothing when you Google “mother of the bride maturity dress”?! Go figure . Just into my 2nd trimester (about 14 weeks) the ultra sound showed no heart beat. I suppose I knew right away, but was grateful for the extra time my doctor took to look again and again. He had his assistant look and give me a few extra moments to process what it all meant. I was able to switch off my emotions and talk through the options in a purely medical way. Would I have a D&C (which was not new to me)? Would I wait to go into labor naturally? Was I too far along to do this at home or would I need to come into the hospital? I gathered information on all the choices and before I had all the information I left quickly because I wasn’t able to hold back tears any longer. Despite the concerns I had about what another child would mean I felt absolutely no relief. The deep sadness of loss was as real as it had been many times before. I had already learned to love the little person growing inside me. I called my husband when I got back to the car. I know he was sad, but in the moment he was the most worried about me and how I was doing. After some not so quiet mourning in the car I drove silently home. I decided to have a D&C. With 5 children at 5 schools and a wedding to plan it made more sense to have control of the situation. I knew that I could go into labor on my own at anytime, but I hadn’t had any bleeding or any sign of trouble so it seemed safest and was also what my doctor had recommended. I had several days before the procedure and was able to put to together a plan for the help I would need. A dear friend took me to the hospital. It would have been nice to have my husband there, but sometimes timing just isn’t what we want. It was all too familiar anyway. I warned my friend and the attending nurse that I would be emotional afterward and not to worry. Everything went smoothly at the hospital. The doctor did tell me he was glad I went in as I was farther along then he thought and home would have been an unnecessary challenge--hearing that helped somehow. I think I was so used to earlier loss I needed the validation of having carried and loved a baby longer before I lost it. Unplanned as the pregnancy was I knew we would not try again. It felt like I was mourning that phase of life—that of pregnancy, nursing and little tiny fun things—all over again. No one knew except my mother and my husband’s parents. I think I was glad of that really, but it was very hard to be grieving a loss and celebrating our daughter’s engagement and all of the promise that held at the same time. In time, I did confide in my older daughters, sisters and a few close friends. I had some minor complications due to retained tissue. I was able to take some medication instead of having another D&C. It made the recovery longer but also forced me to take things slower. I was so incredibly busy at that time and I needed the rest and as much emotionally as I did physically. I remember being in the middle of preparation for a musical number and barely making it through one of the rehearsals. Party of me wanted to explain why I kept sitting down or running to the bathroom, but mostly not wanting to talk about it at all. I also remember some wedding planning moments that seemed even more trivial then they would have been under the circumstances. My best memory was my husband offering to put another tiny ring on the necklace I wear to represent each pregnancy. It is no small task with his bigger hands but the gesture is one I cherish. I didn’t have much time to grieve. That would have to wait till after a busy end of school year, a full summer of camps, appointments and other events for 4 children and wedding at the end of the August. I had never had to put off the grieving for my other miscarriages. And many times I was pregnant again before the miscarriage due date and so those dates tended to blur into continual disappointment. In the Fall I was able to mourn properly. At Thanksgiving I watched a due date come and go, and a newborn never brightened our holiday season. I didn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself – after all I had 5 living, breathing children to cherish. But I did think about the one I didn’t have. I thought it would be the little girl with red curls I had always wanted. Each Fall I think about how old she would have been and what it would be like if she had been born.