Surprise Pregnancy and Surprise Loss

I was unable to conceive in my 30s with my ex-husband, and it turned out to be an infertility issue on his end which he was unable to face or deal with. It ultimately split us up. I left the USA for a doctoral program in 2018 at 41 and it took 3 years for me to open up to anyone else on a long term basis. After a year with my partner, and deciding to go off my IUD due to the progestin, which my emotions didn't react well with, I 'accidentally' fell pregnant almost immediately. But at 45, it was extremely surprising to me. All the emotions about pregnancy and motherhood flooded back into to me, and so did the fears - complications due to my age foremost among them. I had kept myself fairly healthy, and on the off chance I had gotten pregnant on the IUD, I had started taking folate supplements a year prior. Cue the prenatal vitamins, the fatigue, the cravings, the rollercoaster emotions, and the excitement. My body was feeling it all nearly right away. I had the baby named within a few days and had rearranged my life in my mind within a week. I would sew all her clothing, as my mother had done for me; I would build all her baby furniture, as my father had done for me; and I would love her to bits no matter what complications arose from my age. I just wanted her to exist, and to continue existing. I read about the risk of miscarriage in pregnant women my age and it scared me, but I thought, "I must be meant to have this baby if it was this easy to get pregnant at my age." So I put my fears aside. I'd had the year from hell with regard to work, school, and various other things, but I felt ready to take this on. My partner and I were very excited, despite being terrified to be pregnant so soon together. We wanted a life and family together, but hadn't planned on this. As we went through that first week, we talked about all things related to raising children and aligned on nearly everything. I had never loved him so much up to that point as I did in those precious conversations. So it's no surprise that we eagerly continued our physical relationship right along during the pregnancy, which I thought might have been the reason I saw a little bit of blood during an afternoon experience with him, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I went to the bathroom and came back hyperventilating. Through tears I told him I was bleeding, and the poor man had to talk me off the emotional ledge. He told me not to worry; that it might be nothing; that we would see the doctor soon. It was on a weekend right before I was to have my first early-pregancy-diagnosis doctor appointment that following Tuesday. I took to Dr. Google to find out why this could be happening. I learned nothing I didn't already know. I rested with my feet up the rest of the night and I felt like there was a heaviness in my womb, but I hadn't ever felt that before, so I couldn't identify it. The next day (a bank holiday - still no open doctors) I started bleeding more heavily and shedding tissue. I was numb. I took a pregnancy test to see if my hormone levels were going down, and the line was stronger than it had been when I found out I was pregnant. There was no pain and no cramping - just an ache. All I could do was lay there and cry, as I became more confused, but lost more and more of the potential future I had seen. It was all just slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt so helpless. Achy helplessness and a partner who could do nothing but hold my hand and feed me if I needed it. The ice cream obviously made me feel momentarily better, but it didn't fill the void developing inside me (figuratively or literally). I woke up the Tuesday and went to the bathroom to see the final moments of what I'd feared on the tissue in my hand. I had thus far been documenting all of my 'findings' to show the doctor, and though I did take a photo, I sank into a feeling of 'what's the point?' in that moment. I knew what it was that I was looking at. I knew in my heart that it was over just as easily as it had begun. I told my partner what I'd found, but he still said, "we will see what the doctor says." The doctor visit saw an uncomfortable medical student (wholly unprepared to deal with a bawling miscarriage patient first thing that morning), another pregnancy test in-office, and a hurried doctor saying things like "nearly undetectable" and "the bleeding should stop soon." I was offered no support. I was offered no reasons. It just was. My partner had to go almost directly to work after the appointment. He told his (pregant!) boss what happened that morning, who promptly sent him directly home to be with me. It was less of a debate with his boss and more of an order he had to follow, as it turned out. I called my mother to tell her the news later that afternoon; a call for which my partner was in the room, and during which I could see him physically responding to my emotions as I relayed the previous 24 hours to her. We processed the grief differently from each other, but we were both going through it. We got closer as we talked through it over the following days, but I got stuck. My body didn't go back to normal. My cycle did, but my body was tender and I couldn't comfortably handle being intimate. I also had guilt about having sex. Not that I thought it caused the miscarriage, but because my womb was empty and I felt like it was wrong somehow to enjoy myself in any way related to it. Irrational thoughts about the situation, myself, and my future potential came on strong and I became paralysed in my life. I stopped functioning and went into a deep depression. I was angry all the time, anxious all the time, and not a very nice person to anyone. I needed constant contact with my partner and was inadvertently asking way too much of everyone. I joined an online miscarriage support group the week after it happened, but they only met once a month. I tried to go to a counselor the week after the miscarriage, but I lost the ability to keep up with it due to being so paralysed. I just layed around feeling broken because I was physically empty and I couldn't move forward. That lasted nearly 7 weeks.